“I tried once,” he says. “It felt dishonest.”
PORTLAND, OR — A well-known Portland singer shocked fans this week by publicly admitting that he is no longer capable of writing upbeat or joyful music, citing the city’s weather, coffee, beer, and general emotional humidity as “major creative obstacles.”
“I wake up with good intentions,” the singer explained during a small, rain-adjacent interview. “But then I look outside. It’s gray. Again. The rain is sideways. The coffee tastes like regret. And suddenly—boom—another sad song in a minor key.”
According to the artist, Portland’s near-constant drizzle creates what he calls “emotional reverb,” making it nearly impossible to sustain a cheerful melody for more than 12 seconds.
Rain, Coffee, And Other Musical Limitations
The singer claims he once attempted to write a happy song in July, but abandoned the project after realizing the sky was “only pretending to be blue.”
“It was still emotionally overcast,” he said. “Plus, the coffee here is bitter on purpose. You’re not supposed to enjoy it. You’re supposed to reflect on your life choices.”
He also pointed to Portland’s craft beer scene as another contributor to his sadness.
“It’s good beer,” he clarified. “Too good. But it’s never strong enough to drown out your thoughts. You’re left sitting there, slightly buzzed, thinking about climate change and rent.”
City Officials Respond
City officials declined to take responsibility but acknowledged the situation.
“Portland has always been a city that supports the arts,” a spokesperson said. “Even when those arts are 90% acoustic guitars and emotional damage.”
The city confirmed it has no current plans to introduce more sunshine but is “open to discussing brighter streetlights.”
Fans Say It All Makes Sense
Local fans were largely unsurprised.
“Of course his songs are sad,” said one listener while staring at the Willamette River. “Have you been here in February?”
Another fan added, “If he suddenly released a happy album, I’d assume he moved.”
At press time, the singer confirmed his next album will feature 11 tracks, all titled variations of “Rain (Again).”
