Elliot Mosswood Announces New Record Written Anywhere But Portland
PORTLAND, OR — After years of openly admitting that he is physically incapable of writing upbeat music within city limits, Portland singer-songwriter Elliot Mosswood has revealed plans for a new album that will be recorded outside Portland in what he calls a “controlled happiness experiment.”
According to Mosswood, the decision came after he tried — and failed — to write a cheerful song while standing under a clear sky that lasted approximately nine minutes.
“I almost smiled,” he said. “It scared me.”
The Working Title: “It’s Not You, Portland, It’s the Weather”
The upcoming album, tentatively titled It’s Not You, Portland, It’s the Weather, is expected to feature tracks that are “emotionally lighter,” “mildly optimistic,” and in one case, “borderline upbeat.”
Mosswood confirmed that no songs on the album will exceed 110 BPM, calling that “reckless.”
“I’m not trying to become a pop artist,” he clarified.
“I just want one song that doesn’t sound like it was written next to a bus stop at 6 a.m.”
Places Elliot Plans to Escape To (Emotionally and Geographically)
To help achieve a more joyful tone, Mosswood plans to temporarily relocate to several cities rumored to contain sunlight:
- Palm Springs, CA – “For the shock therapy of brightness.”
- Lisbon, Portugal – “Sad, but in a charming, colorful way.”
- Austin, TX – “People seem happy for no clear reason.”
- Phoenix, AZ – “Too hot to be sad.”
- Anywhere with fewer flannel shirts per capita
He has also stated that if he accidentally feels joy, he will immediately write it down and then apologize to his Portland fanbase.
Possible Tracklist (Subject to Mood Swings)
Early leaked song titles from the album include:
- “Clouds That Mind Their Own Business”
- “Coffee That Doesn’t Judge Me”
- “This Beer Is Actually Strong Enough”
- “I Woke Up and It Was Sunny (I Panicked)”
- “Temporary Happiness (Acoustic)”
- “I Miss the Rain (But Just a Little)”
One bonus track, “Portland, I’ll Be Back When I’m Sad Again”, is rumored to close the album.
Portland Reacts: Mixed Feelings, Mostly Wet
Local fans expressed cautious optimism.
“I support his journey,” said one listener while staring out a foggy window.
“But if he comes back with a happy album, I don’t know if I can trust him anymore.”
City officials declined to comment, but confirmed that Portland remains fully operational as a sadness-generating environment year-round.
Mosswood Promises He’ll Return
Despite the change in scenery, Mosswood insists he isn’t abandoning Portland forever.
“This city raised me,” he said.
“It taught me how to write music that sounds like a gray Tuesday.”
He added that once the album is complete, he fully intends to return to Portland to “rebalance emotionally” and write the follow-up record, rumored to be titled Rain Again, My Old Friend.
Until then, Elliot Mosswood will be chasing sunshine — carefully, briefly, and with emotional sunscreen.
