Women’s Portland Running Club Says New Regulations Favor “Tall, Overconfident Men With Long Strides”
PORTLAND, OR — Just days after the city introduced mandatory puddle-jumping and universal greeting requirements for runners, a prominent Portland Running Club has issued a formal response, calling the rules “structurally biased against compact leg architecture.”
The club released its statement during a lightly drizzling Tuesday group run, where members were reportedly testing new waterproof running shoes designed for rainy cities while drafting a 14-page manifesto titled “Leap Equity Now.”
“We Are Not Anti-Puddle. We Are Anti-Gravitational Disadvantage.”
The women-led Portland Running Club, which meets weekly near SE Division Street and frequently runs routes through Waterfront Park and NW 23rd Avenue, argues that the city’s leap-first mandate ignores a key physiological reality:
Most of their members are shorter and, statistically, have shorter legs.
“This is basic stride math,” said club organizer Marissa T., moments before executing what witnesses described as “a respectful but emotionally complicated hop” over a Burnside puddle. “If Kevin with his 36-inch inseam clears a puddle effortlessly, that’s not empowerment. That’s vertical privilege.”
The group claims that the average puddle width on Burnside Street exceeds what they call “reasonable femur-based expectations.”
Proposed Amendments to the Portland Runners Rules
In response, the Portland Running Club has suggested the following adjustments:
1️⃣ Scaled Puddle Standards
Puddles must be categorized as:
- Small (Introvert Friendly)
- Medium (Confident Leap Zone)
- Large (Emotionally Aggressive)
Large puddles would require city-installed “stepping affirmations.”
2️⃣ Apology Extension Clause
Because greeting every passerby already increases cardiovascular strain, the club proposes that greetings be limited to:
- Every third pedestrian
- Anyone holding coffee
- Or anyone visibly making eye contact
“If we greet every person on NE Alberta Street, that’s basically interval training,” said one member. “And emotionally it’s exhausting.”
3️⃣ Mandatory Stride Diversity Awareness
The city must acknowledge that not all runners possess:
- The same leg length
- The same jump confidence
- Or the same willingness to splash publicly
Reaction From Other Portland Runners
Some runners expressed confusion.
“I just thought puddles were wet,” said Jason M., still out of breath from greeting 62 people in one run. “I didn’t realize they were also political.”
Others were supportive.
“Honestly, my girlfriend’s leap-to-body ratio is different from mine,” said a runner near Pioneer Courthouse Square. “This feels like something we should have discussed as a city.”
Additional Concerns Raised by the Club
The Portland Running Club also noted that:
- Shorter runners generate more splashback when misjudging leap timing.
- Ponytail wind resistance varies by height.
- Saying “Good morning!” mid-jump decreases landing accuracy by 14% (self-reported).
“Have you ever tried greeting a cyclist, acknowledging a barista, and clearing a puddle at the same time?” asked Marissa. “That’s three civic tasks in one vertical motion.”
Unhoused Community Reaction
Several unhoused residents along Burnside Street appeared puzzled but amused.
“Yesterday one runner apologized to the puddle before jumping it,” said Darren, who has lived in the area for years. “I think we’re entering a new phase of Portland.”
City Officials Respond
When asked whether puddle size regulations were under review, officials confirmed the formation of a new advisory body:
The Bureau of Equitable Moisture Navigation.
A spokesperson added:
“Portland is committed to inclusive cardio.”
At press time, members of the Portland Running Club were reportedly conducting a controlled puddle rehearsal using sidewalk chalk, measuring tape, and deeply reflective Spotify playlists.
