PORTLAND — The city’s ongoing debate over its professional basketball team took an unexpected turn this week after dozens of grandmothers — previously voted “Best Player on the Team” in a viral local poll — formally acknowledged that, while they are indeed in peak athletic condition, they would prefer actual professionals handle the job.
The original survey, which asked residents who the best player on Portland’s pro basketball team is, overwhelmingly produced answers such as “my grandma,” “my kid,” and “a random guy at the park.” Now, those very grandmothers have stepped forward to clarify.
“Yes, I could absolutely run the offense,” said 82-year-old Marlene P., adjusting her knee brace outside a downtown farmers market. “But I would like to reiterate that I am retired.”
“Portland Is My Training Facility”
According to the newly formed Coalition of Portland Grandmothers for Athletic Transparency, their superior court awareness is simply a byproduct of living in the city.
“You try crossing four lanes downtown while avoiding potholes, tents, three emotional support scooters, six cyclists, and a marathon training group,” said Linda R., 77. “That’s lateral movement.”
Several grandmothers confirmed they maintain exceptional balance due to years of sidestepping crater-sized road damage on neighborhood streets.
“My footwork? That’s from dodging sinkholes near the grocery store,” said another resident. “My reflexes? Developed avoiding surprise joggers who refuse eye contact.”
Cross-Training With Urban Obstacles
Fitness experts note that Portland’s unique urban ecosystem may inadvertently produce elite athletes.
- Agility drills: Navigating sidewalk closures without explanation
- Endurance training: Waiting at crosswalks that never change
- Speed bursts: Evading cyclists who whisper “on your left” at 40 mph
- Vertical leap practice: Stepping over random street debris
“It’s not Pilates,” said Marlene. “It’s survival.”
One grandmother described a daily route that includes “zigzagging around three tents, one interpretive drum circle, and a pothole large enough to apply for statehood.”
Still, Let’s Be Clear
Despite their obvious readiness, the grandmothers made one point extremely clear during a press conference held near a neighborhood park court:
“We are flattered,” said Linda. “But a professional basketball team should contain professional basketball players.”
The group collectively agreed that while they could probably “box out adequately,” they would prefer trained athletes handle nationally televised competition.
“We already carry tote bags, groceries, and emotional maturity,” Marlene added. “We don’t need to carry the franchise.”
Fans React
Residents expressed mixed feelings upon hearing the grandmothers’ statement.
“So you’re saying we can’t sign them?” asked one hopeful fan.
“No,” replied Linda firmly. “You can sign people who practice basketball for a living.”
At press time, team leadership released a brief statement thanking the city’s seniors for their “continued hustle,” while confirming that roster spots will remain reserved for individuals under the age of 60.
The grandmothers, meanwhile, returned to their daily conditioning — carefully stepping around a fresh pothole, narrowly avoiding a pack of cyclists, and executing flawless defensive positioning against a rogue electric scooter.
“Look,” Marlene said, effortlessly pivoting around a sidewalk obstruction. “We’re game-ready.”
She paused.
“But please. Hire professionals.”
