PORTLAND, OR — A local resident expressed unwavering confidence this morning that a newly opened coffee shop on the corner of Main Street and Existential Avenue will single-handedly repair every personal shortcoming he has accumulated over the last 37 years.
“I can feel it in my soul,” said Jeremy T., 32, while standing in line behind a man carrying a cactus as a purse. “This place has energy. Positive energy. And the cappuccino? That’s, like, metaphysical therapy.”
Menu Items with Life-Changing Potential
The café, called Bean There, Fixed That, offers a variety of beverages that its marketing claims can alter destinies:
- “Espresso of Enlightenment” – for those unsure of their career path
- “Latte of Letting Go” – comes with a free pamphlet on forgiving exes
- “Cappuccino of Cosmic Clarity” – reportedly reveals the meaning of minor inconveniences
Jeremy claims he has already pre-ordered all three.
“I feel like the ‘Latte of Letting Go’ will finally make my neighbor stop borrowing my recycling bins,” he said. “And the ‘Cappuccino of Cosmic Clarity’—well, maybe I’ll finally understand cryptocurrency.”
Baristas as Life Coaches
Staff members have been instructed to answer questions about the future with either “sip and see” or cryptic haikus.
“I asked if my job was worth it,” Jeremy said. “She wrote me a poem about a turtle crossing Hawthorne Boulevard and told me to meditate for seven sips. I feel lighter already.”
Some patrons, however, report confusion.
“I asked for almond milk,” said a skeptical customer. “I left knowing the secret to the universe, but still no almond milk.”
Community Reactions
Neighbors expressed mixed reactions to Jeremy’s newfound optimism.
“I mean, good for him,” said one local while balancing a unicycle and a grocery bag. “But I don’t think a flat white is going to fix city traffic.”
Another passerby suggested, “Maybe start with fixing your sleep schedule first.”
The Ultimate Test
Jeremy insists the coffee shop will succeed where therapy, meditation apps, and a three-week juice cleanse all failed.
“If I just sit here long enough, sip slowly enough, I’ll emerge enlightened,” he said. “Or at least slightly more photogenic for Instagram.”
By afternoon, he had already purchased a mug emblazoned with the words: “Life Begins at the Second Pour.”
When asked whether he would consider leaving the café to solve problems outside its walls, Jeremy looked at the counter, nodded solemnly, and said:
“I think it’s all in the foam.”
