PORTLAND, OR — Local economists confirmed Monday that gas prices across Portland have risen sharply over the past week after city officials made a startling discovery: Portland does not produce any oil whatsoever.
The realization reportedly occurred during a late-night municipal budget meeting when someone asked a routine question: “Wait… where exactly does our gasoline come from?”
According to witnesses, the room fell silent for nearly 40 seconds.
“We Assumed It Was Local”
For years, many residents had simply assumed gasoline was produced somewhere nearby, possibly in a warehouse district or under a particularly productive food cart.
“I thought it came from the river,” admitted one commuter while staring thoughtfully at a gas pump. “You know… like salmon.”
Another resident said they believed the city’s fuel supply was “artisanal.”
“I figured it was small-batch gasoline,” the driver explained. “Maybe cold-pressed.”
Emergency Search for Oil Within City Limits
After the revelation, officials launched a rapid investigation to determine whether oil might be hidden somewhere inside city boundaries.
Early exploration efforts included:
- Digging behind several breweries “just in case”
- Checking underneath a few bike lanes
- Politely asking a raccoon near the river if it knew anything
So far, results have been inconclusive.
“We did locate several underground pipes,” one investigator said, “but they turned out to be carrying coffee.”
Economists Explain the Situation
Experts now believe Portland’s gas price spike is the result of a previously overlooked logistical problem: the city must import gasoline from places that actually have oil.
“This introduces what we call ‘distance,’” explained a regional economist. “Distance often involves trucks, ships, trains, and mild existential dread.”
The economist also noted that Portland’s economy focuses heavily on bicycles, coffee, and conversations about zoning rather than fossil fuel extraction.
“Historically, no one has drilled for crude oil behind a farmers market,” he added.
Residents React
Public reaction has ranged from confusion to reluctant acceptance.
“So you’re telling me gasoline doesn’t grow here?” asked one driver filling up their tank slowly, like someone processing grief.
Another resident suggested a solution.
“What if we just make our own?” they asked. “We have a lot of kombucha.”
Meanwhile, several cyclists said they had been aware of the situation all along.
“This is exactly why we pedal,” one rider said, gliding past the gas station with quiet satisfaction.
Officials Propose Long-Term Solutions
City leaders are now studying possible strategies to stabilize fuel costs.
Options under consideration include:
- Asking neighboring states politely for cheaper gas
- Attempting to extract oil from locally sourced avocados
- Convincing residents their cars run on “vibes”
A spokesperson confirmed that a task force has been formed to determine whether oil might be discovered beneath an unused parking lot.
“We’re remaining optimistic,” the official said. “Geologically, anything is possible.”
Future Outlook
At press time, gas prices remained high while residents continued adjusting to the shocking idea that petroleum must travel long distances before reaching Portland.
Meanwhile, a group of locals gathered outside a gas station studying a map of the United States.
One of them pointed at Texas and quietly whispered:
“Maybe that’s where they keep it.”
