PORTLAND — A new independent poll conducted outside the city’s large, echo-filled indoor sports arena has revealed that the most popular answer to the question “Who is the best player on Portland’s basketball team?” was not a player on the team.
Instead, the clear winner was: “My grandma.”
The survey, which interviewed 600 emotionally hydrated residents between the arena entrance and a nearby food cart pod, produced the following results:
Official Poll Results
- 33% — “My grandma is better.”
- 21% — “My 12-year-old son shoots more confidently.”
- 17% — “The guy who plays in the park at 7 a.m.”
- 15% — “A random unhoused sprinter on the east side.”
- 8% — “My barista has better range.”
- 6% — “Is this a trick question?”
Only 0.7% of respondents named an actual rostered player. Those ballots were later reviewed for signs of sarcasm.
“My Grandma Has Better Court Awareness”
“My grandma doesn’t panic when she’s open,” said lifelong resident Trevor M., gesturing vaguely toward downtown. “She’s 79, she wears orthopedic sneakers, and she still understands the concept of passing.”
Reached for comment, his grandmother Linda confirmed:
“If you’re seven feet tall and afraid of the basket, that’s a personal issue.”
East Side Prospect Drawing Attention
Several respondents cited “the fast guy near the big discount grocery on the east side” as the city’s most promising talent.
“That dude has transition speed,” said one local cyclist. “And he doesn’t call timeouts when things get difficult.”
Witnesses claim the unnamed runner once outran a delivery truck and still had the stamina to debate zoning laws.
Arena Vibes Described as “Reflective”
Fans exiting a recent home game described the atmosphere as “philosophical.”
“It’s not anger,” said a season ticket holder while staring thoughtfully at a parking meter. “It’s more like… anthropological curiosity.”
Groups of residents later gathered in a nearby park to host an unofficial tournament titled “Literally Anyone Else.”
The winner was a middle schooler named Ethan who explained his strategy:
“I just shoot when I’m open.”
Team Leadership Responds
A team spokesperson assured reporters that the organization is “committed to a long-term vision.”
When asked to clarify the vision, the spokesperson nodded slowly and said, “Growth.”
City officials also urged patience.
“Basketball is a journey,” one representative stated. “And sometimes the journey is mostly character development.”
Fans Reach Acceptance Phase
By Sunday evening, most locals had settled into a calm, self-aware optimism.
“We’re not mad,” said one resident, sipping something ethically sourced. “We’re just crowdsourcing alternatives.”
At press time, a follow-up poll was being prepared with new answer options, including:
- “My neighbor’s golden retriever.”
- “A folding chair with hustle.”
- “Emotional resilience.”
Early projections show the folding chair leading comfortably.
[…] team took an unexpected turn this week after dozens of grandmothers — previously voted “Best Player on the Team” in a viral local poll — formally acknowledged that, while they are indeed in peak athletic […]