City officials say the change will help residents “emotionally survive” their daily commute.
Portland, OR — In an effort to improve traffic flow, mental health, and selective blindness, Portland city officials announced Tuesday that the speed limit on Burnside Street will be increased to 65 mph, allowing drivers to pass through the area before fully registering the tents, trash piles, and abandoned shopping carts lining the road.
According to the Portland Bureau of Transportation, the decision was based on months of research showing that drivers experience significantly less stress when they have “no time to process what they’re seeing.”
“If you go fast enough, it all just becomes a blur,” said PBOT spokesperson Mark Delaney. “And frankly, a blur is the best-case scenario right now.”
“I Barely Saw Anything. It Was Great.”
Many residents welcomed the change, calling it the first transportation policy in years that actually made sense.
“This morning I drove through Burnside at 60 and didn’t even notice the fire pit made out of milk crates,” said local resident Amanda Wells. “For once, I felt free. Like I was just passing trees or… shadows.”
Another commuter, Jason Morales, said the increased speed limit helped him pretend the problem didn’t exist.
“At the old speed, you had time to make eye contact,” Morales explained. “Now? I’m already on the other side of the street before my brain can ask questions.”
Tour Guides Adjust Routes, Narration
Local tour companies have also updated their scripts to accommodate the new regulation.
“On the left, you would normally see a complex humanitarian crisis,” said tour guide Emily Chen while gripping the handrail of her moving bus. “But thanks to the new speed limit, we’ll simply call this stretch ‘urban motion’ and continue to the food carts.”
Chen confirmed that guides are now trained to shout facts quickly and move on.
“If anyone asks what was back there, we just say ‘art installation’ and floor it.”
City Promises More ‘High-Speed Solutions’
Officials hinted this may only be the beginning. Proposals reportedly under consideration include installing motion blur road paint, issuing complimentary blindfolds at traffic lights, and rebranding Burnside as a “temporary visual inconvenience corridor.”
“We’re not ignoring the issue,” Delaney clarified. “We’re just approaching it at 65 miles per hour.”
At press time, several residents confirmed the policy was already working, noting that by the time they slowed down, they were far enough away to feel optimistic again.
