City leaders say increased physical and emotional pain will “restore perspective.”
Portland, OR — In a bold new effort to improve civic morale by completely overwhelming it, Portland city officials this week encouraged residents to abandon cars, bikes, and public transit in favor of unicycles, explaining that constant balance-related suffering will leave people with “less energy to notice what’s wrong with the city.”
The initiative, announced jointly by the Portland Bureau of Transportation and the Office of Civic Wellness, is being described as a “mindfulness-forward mobility solution.”
“When you’re desperately trying not to fall face-first into the pavement, you simply don’t have the mental bandwidth to think about housing, crime, or infrastructure,” said PBOT Director Elaine Whitmore. “It’s about focus.”
City: “If You’re Miserable, You’re Present”
According to internal city documents, the unicycle program is designed to redirect residents’ attention away from long-standing urban issues and toward the immediate, all-consuming task of not dying on their way to work.
“Suffering keeps people grounded,” Mayor’s policy advisor Trevor Mills explained. “And nothing grounds you quite like realizing both your feet are on a single pedal.”
Officials confirmed that future infrastructure plans include narrower bike lanes, unexpected potholes, and a pilot program requiring unicycle riders to carry groceries, coffee, and a sense of dignity simultaneously.
Residents Report Immediate Results
Many Portlanders said they noticed changes almost instantly after switching to unicycles.
“I used to complain about everything,” said local resident Hannah Brooks, speaking while clinging to a street sign. “Now my entire personality is just fear.”
Another commuter, Eric Lawson, described the experience as transformative.
“By the time I get to work, my legs are shaking, my soul is empty, and I’ve completely forgotten what I was mad about,” Lawson said. “Honestly? Best commute I’ve had in years.”
City Leaders Praise ‘Distraction-Based Governance’
City officials insist the policy is already a success, noting a sharp decline in public complaints during peak commuting hours.
“We’ve seen a 40% drop in civic outrage between 8 and 9 a.m.,” said Whitmore. “Mostly because residents are too busy falling.”
The city also confirmed plans to expand the program, including unicycle-only zones downtown and mandatory “advanced wobble training” for new residents.
“This isn’t about transportation,” Mills added. “It’s about emotional triage.”
Looking Ahead
When asked whether the city plans to address underlying urban problems, officials appeared confused.
“Address them?” Whitmore said. “We’re trying to outpace awareness, not fix things.”
At press time, several residents reported feeling oddly calm, noting that while the city’s problems remain unsolved, at least now they are too exhausted, bruised, and humiliated to care.
