PORTLAND, OR — A growing movement of Portland residents is demanding that Sandy Boulevard be renamed Rainy Boulevard, asserting that the current name is a historical accident at best and a geological misrepresentation at worst.
The proposal has sparked heated debate throughout the city, with passionate supporters comparing the boulevard’s name to “calling a coffee shop a bakery.”
“Portland is rain city,” said Marisol Vega, a local barista who says she has never seen actual sand on Sandy Boulevard. “If we’re going to celebrate something, let’s celebrate what really matters — rain. Lots of rain.”
Why Rename Sandy to Rainy?
According to activists, the name “Sandy” evokes:
- beaches
- deserts
- dry climates
- childhood memories of sandboxes
All of which, they claim, are clearly not Portland.
“Phoenix has sand,” explained protest organizer Theo Brink. “Portland has rain. We’re not a beach town. We’re a drizzle town.”
The group, calling themselves the Rain Enthusiasts of PDX, has circulated petitions, rain-themed art, and free umbrellas to “raise awareness of the city’s true identity.”
One viral slogan reads:
“Sandy is for sand. We’re for rain.”
Comments From Local Residents
“Honestly, I thought the name was ironic,” said lifelong Portlander Joy Kim while sipping her hazelnut oat milk latte. “But if we’re honest with ourselves, we say rain more than we say sand. It’s just math.”
Another resident, Greg Thompson, noted that he once saw sand on the boulevard only because it fell out of someone’s sneaker after a trip to the coast.
“That doesn’t count,” he said. “That’s contamination.”
City Leadership Responds — Cautiously and Soggy
City officials have acknowledged the discussion but stopped short of endorsing the name change.
“We recognize that Portland has a unique climate,” said a city spokesperson. “However, renaming a major boulevard is a significant undertaking that involves community input, historical review, and, most importantly, funding.”
When asked whether the city itself had a preference, the spokesperson paused before adding:
“We remain committed to rain, rain culture, and rainocracy.”
A committee has been formed to explore the implications of the renaming, with an initial meeting scheduled for “a date that is forecast to be mildly drizzly.”
Rules for Renaming Streets and Businesses in Portland
Local ordinances require a multi-step process to rename a public street, including:
- Petition signatures from affected residents
- Environmental impact review
- Public hearings, preferably on rainy days
- Approval from City Council
- Coordination with businesses that have ‘Sandy’ in their names
The last item has proven to be the most controversial.
Under current rules, businesses on Sandy Boulevard that incorporate “Sandy” into their name may be required to consider updating their branding to reflect the street’s new name — if approved. This has led to both excitement and dread among local entrepreneurs.
“Do I have to change the logo, the stationery, and the custom tote bags?” asked one café owner who asked to remain anonymous. “Because I love these tote bags.”
Some small business owners, however, have embraced the idea.
“We’re going to rename ourselves Rainy Day Bakery,” declared the owner of a nearby pastry shop. “Because honestly, it rains so much here anyway. It’s thematic.”
Will Rainy Boulevard Become Reality?
At press time, the petition had gathered over 2,347 signatures from residents who either genuinely supported the idea or were simply delighted by the umbrella giveaway.
City officials have tentatively agreed to hold a rain festival in honor of the discussion — which organizers hope will double as both a fundraiser and a “visioning session” for local poets to recite free verse about precipitation.
Supporters are cautiously optimistic.
“It’s just water,” said one supporter, holding an oversized rainbow umbrella. “But it’s our water.”
This article is satire.
